Change of Plan

  So I get up, I shower, I eat half of a banana, I expect the day to go one way, it doesn't. Of course it doesn't. It goes another. Do I get pissed off, do I curse? Well...  Yes... But it changes nothing. Of course, of course today will be upside down... So... I trust... Ok?... Ok.

  Change of plan.

  So I take a deep breath. Change direction, get ready to move and I'm oh-so-close to leaving the house When... I remember... I remember, with increasing clarity, a half forgotten plan... A plan made yesterday to do something else entirely with the day today. Of course. Do that I must. That I must do. Must I do that?... Yes, I must do that. Change of plan.

  Then, ohh, I realise that there's something important I need to do first. Of course. New direction. A little thing, but important nonetheless. A random act of kindness that will take about 15 minutes, cashpoint out of order, that will take 30 minutes, it was sold just before I arrived, that will take over an hour and hurt my feet and now I'm late.

  But it was all worth it and no-one died and I went with the flow and I feel good about the day.

  So here it is...

  The journey... Heed now... "The journey is the destination!" Heed it. Go on. Heed it well. I enjoy the swirl, the lick of fulfilment, the rolling egg of disappointment. The only place we ever go to is now, and we're already here. The destination is the journey itself.

  So roll with it!

  Go with the flow.

  And when everything goes wrong, just laugh. It's funny. Maybe you have to cry first but then laugh. You want something. Universe says no. Ok. Change of plan. There are no mistakes in life, just super magnificent learning opportunities.

  And now, the plan is bed, brush teeth, glass of water, good. But I'm only 99.5% certain. Because I'm 0.5% ready at any moment for....

  Change of plan!

Expectations

  Some days... even when the forecast has been great... it fucking pisses it down.

  So be it.

  Disillusionment, pain, confusion and claustrophobia... and the outlook had been so bright.

  Low expectations don't disappoint often, but they do lead to a kind of rambling nothing... To slow death.

  I'll take on my disappointments and I'll take on the pain of having high hopes, and I'll keep on getting screwed up by life and I'll keep on trying to enjoy the confusion and I'll keep on expecting the best.

Camden Market

Haggling...

Thirty five pounds sir, there you go, i'll bag it for you

No, i'm gonna come back later, maybe...

Thirty


Really. NO, i'm going to look around I'll come back later.

OK. How much are you willing to pay?

Twenty.

I won't make any profit on twenty, twenty five?

No.

I buy them for 20.

No... You don't.

Let me ask my wife if i can sell for twenty

Whatever

Twenty three

I'm going

Ok, twenty

Heh heh. There you go...

 
I enjoyed playing the fun game with the man at Camden Market. I now have a brand new nepalese harlequin jacket, superb design, hand made, i could sell you it for say... thirty five pounds?

New Beginnings

  I threw up today.

  My stomach was feeling tight all morning. A feeling of unfulfilled excitement and desire... and a raw pain too close to the surface.

  A certain situation had triggered some old memories, some half-forgotten teenage nightmares. I took some deep breaths for quarter of an hour. Then threw up. Then laughed.

   I feel like I let go of some long-buried panic today, some bitter seed I had watched bloom, wither and die. Which now, years after swallowing, I spat out.

  That crippled fear belongs in the past.

  love is firmly planted in me today.


  Here's to new beginnings.